Robert Schwarten: 'Now I know how I got elected'

FINALLY I have worked out how I got elected, thanks to Jack Lewis. It's all about those poll clerks (many of whom are retired teachers) furiously rubbing out numbers and pencilling in others. Just how they have managed to pull this off with all those political busybodies, aka scrutineers, watching on is beyond me but I guess that the Labor and Liberals and the other interested parties have worked it out among themselves.

Perhaps that great independent Clive Palmer was right after all when he said that the AEC was not all it was cracked up to be. He is the only politician I know of who refused to take the taxpayer pay packet. But then again he did spend all that money that his workers at the Nickel refinery were entitled to and muggins the taxpayer had to make up their pays so I guess he's in front by several million.

Jack should know that whether it's a pencil, crayon, biro, sharpie marker, indelible ink fountain pen or some other writing device a politician gets elected. As one unhappy voter put it bluntly to me on the Park Avenue booth recently after refusing a Labor (and all other) how to votes "I'm going to vote for an ....hole ".

Thing is that people like Pauline Hanson have had their hand in the taxpayer till for a decade by running for everything except the Melbourne Cup. She has squirreled away hundreds of thousands of dollars in the vote dollar market. Similarly Bob Katter has not been shy in claiming entitlements even reaching into the state public purse to claim an annual airfare from his time in state Parliament (he left circa 20 years ago).

Nick Xenephon makes much of his Target suits and Lowes shoes but forgot to record that he had an interest in a multi million dollar high rise built by his wealthy old man. The fact that it had been converted to slum like conditions to house overseas students (yes he's the same bloke whinging about foreign workers but happy to cop their rent) obviously missed his attention too.

In any case I reckon he'd have enough loose change to get an Australian tailor to make him an Australian suit out of fine Aussie merino wool. Also, as he lives in the home state of that great brand RM Williams (yes I know it's now mostly owned by Louis Vuitton) he could shell out for the best boot in the world.

If I can afford to wear them then certainly he can and I note Bill Shorten, Anthony Albanese, Joel Fitzgibbon and other Labor types wear them and they are the mandated ensemble of the LNP.

So Jack, I'm glad you have lifted the veil on this one. All that furious pencil work and rubbing out gave me on one occasion nearly 80% of the vote. There must have been frenetic activity there. But spare a thought for the poor poll clerk that had to deal with the giant's lavatory paper ie. the Senate ballot.

Just imagine the effort these poor public servants had to put in to get the result they seem to want (but most sensible people do not) to elect the latest lot of irresponsible (sorry that should read independent) pollies into the Senate