by Damian Bathersby
EVERY now and then, my faith in the world is restored.
Like the time someone invented doughnuts pumped full of caramel sauce.
Or when I found out that beer contains no carbs if you drink it through a straw.
Maybe I made that last one up, but you get the idea.
It happened again the other day when I read about Jimmy Buffett's plans to set up a string of retirement homes.
"Jimmy who?" I hear some of you ask.
What if I put on a Hawaiian shirt, stuck a parrot on my shoulder and began strumming a ukulele?
All right then, I'll hum a few bars of Margaritaville.
Yep. That Jimmy Buffett.
The same bloke who reckons it's five o'clock somewhere in the world, so it must be time for a Margarita.
Well the good news for people of a certain age (like you mob) is that while Jimmy's already got a range of restaurants, resorts and even casinos over in the good old US of A, now he's going a step further.
Hold onto your straw hats folks, Jimmy's about to launch a string of Margaritaville retirement homes.
Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever heard?
Yep. Themed aged care facilities where you get first-class care along with all the Margaritas, mai-tais and cheeseburgers you can handle.
You want a cocktail for breakfast? Go for your life!
Apparently the first of Jimmy's fun parks, I mean aged care facilities, is planned for Florida and promises residents they will be able to party their golden years away.
It will be the paradise where you can "grow older, but not up", according to the promos.
Call me a foolish old man but I can think of nothing better than living out my final years in a facility where the drinks flow freely, the music's cranked up and the party goes all night.
Or at least until nine o'clock, which feels like all night when you get to my age.
Sure, my liver might eventually be kept in a jar on my bedside table but what a way to go.
And why should the Yanks have all the fun?
Why can't some local entrepreneurs get into the spirit and establish themed aged care facilities right here?
Why couldn't that mob up in Bundaberg open a chain of Bundy Rum nursing homes?
Fourex could get in on the act too.
And if the Americans wanted to keep the party going, there's a few bourbon distilleries I wouldn't mind seeing expand into this part of the world.
Now I know a few of you will be sitting there shaking your heads and muttering things about me acting my age or waking up to myself.
But I'm used to your type, so don't waste your time.
At 55 years of age I reckon I've got maybe 25 good years left in me.
Then maybe 10 not-so-good years, if I'm lucky.
Not enough time to waste arguing with you about my questionable lifestyle.
I was planning on going to go to Thailand to live on a diet of Tom Yang Goong and Tiger beer but why bother when the answer to my twilight debauchery could be as close as my nearest nursing home?
Hey nurse! Fill that IV with Jim Beam and warm up the sponge bath.
I'm ready to party like it's 2039.